Andrew passed away about 16 weeks into our pregnancy. I gave birth to him in my upstairs bathroom, which was never part of anyone’s plan, certainly not mine.
Plans have a weird way of getting away from us, don’t they?
I live my life by faith. While I don’t believe that my son dying before he ever lived beyond my body was part of God’s plan, I do believe that God will take everything and turn it for good in His time. I believe this because it is promised. I believe it because I have seen it play out in my life over and over. Hardships and tragedies have made me stronger and taught me lessons I’d have never learned otherwise. Storm filled nights dawned into glorious sunrises and I appreciated their colors and light all the more for the darkness I’d endured.
This particular storm isn’t one I’ll ever be grateful for, but I can find a way to do something good with what I have learned. I can make something meaningful from the short time Andrew lived, whether it is sharing his story with others who may be looking for community for their own loss or counseling someone trying to comfort a friend or loved one.
Andrew’s life can still help another.
My heart hurts every day for missing my son. Some days, like today, are a little harder than others, but every day he is with me.
I imagine what he would look like, what his voice would sound like. I imagine what he would be interested in. Would he be an athlete? Would he love reading or math or both? Would he be outgoing or shy or somewhere in the middle? Would he like to dance or would he rather just listen to the music? Would he be fiercely independent or would he lean in on me from time to time?
I can’t answer any of those questions now, but I do know that someday I will get to meet him again and it will be pure joy to learn every bit of every piece of wonder I hold in my heart.
Until that day, I hold the memories of his heartbeat, the feel of his tiny hand for the few hours I was blessed to hold it, and the image of his face deep in my soul.
I cherish him.
He is 12 today in Heaven.
I hope he is dancing.