I was so young
I was so young and so naive when it all started. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I didn’t know that something was wrong.
My idea of normal was far from what a loving household should be. But I find myself unable to blame you for everything because you are not your illness.
There are some things I can blame you for, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized just how much this thing has taken over your mind. Continues on the next pages.
I don’t blame you for all the scars on my heart.
Because every cut wasn’t from you. They came from those monsters that you tried so hard to hide. And when they pushed through, I was the one wearing the target.
For so long I didn’t understand why every word was thrown my way, but I get it now. I was there, I was easy and you took advantage of my never-ending faith that one day this would be over.
Your mind took advantage of a young child’s ceaseless love for their parent. And ignored the absolute hurt and pain that was written all over my face.
I don’t blame you for not realizing that something is very wrong.
You don’t understand when you go off and scream those words you don’t actually mean. You don’t understand all the heartbreak I’ve been through every time you take your frustrations out on me.
I know you don’t understand because half the time you don’t remember it even happening. Like a whole different person invaded your body and took the memories with them when they left. But I do.
I remember every name you’ve called me and every time you’ve tried to destroy every part of myself that I’ve clung too. And even after all of the years of enduring this, I still can’t fully blame you.
I don’t blame you because I refuse to give up when everyone else has.
I may not be around very often because I need to protect my heart, but I am always rooting for you. I’m still hoping that you can find peace with your mind.
That you will realize the world isn’t against you. I will be there until the end, no matter when that is. No matter how many times I’m told to walk away. I can’t do that.
You fill a place in my heart that no one else can. It was made just for you. So I will give you the space I need.
I don’t know if this will ever end. I don’t know if you’ll ever overcome the demons that haunt your mind or if in the end they will win. I don’t even know if keeping you in my life is actually healthy.
All I know is that with every blow, no matter how much it hurts, I won’t give up on you. Because I know that this isn’t really you. This isn’t the person who raised me.
Nowadays I don’t even know if I’m upset about all the memories my mind suppressed because of you. I don’t know if remembering everything is worth the amount of pain that is waiting for me to relive.
I do know that through everything, I’ve come out the other side a stronger person. I may be struggling to find who I am and some days your words create a dark cast over everything. But no matter how scarred I may be, I know I am not as broken as I feel.